Thursday, August 09, 2007
Practicing Harmony
Each class inside is unique. Each class opens a new portal into experiencing the cosmic flow (God’s grace / movement of the Holy Spirit / energetic communion). Today was no exception.
I was absent last week, visiting my mother in Seattle, and the men had practiced together. On my way in I found P. Who was one of the original men who founded our class in 1998 and has recently returned to Old Folsom prison. Walking in together he caught up with his perspective on current state of affairs as the prison system relates to my class.
A new man to class today has been a teacher of Tai Chi Chuan and was eager to learn the meditative style Tai Chi Chih that we practice. Whether it was his energy or another level of input, I taught differently today. The rhythm was new, my words prompting the moves were different. Long ago I gave up the need to have a class plan. Circumstances are always shifting under our feet so flexibility is required to stay balanced.
I trust what arrives in my mind to say is dropped there my the QiField, as long as I don’t get in the way with MY plans. Sometimes I do. I was inspired at one point as I was coaching them into synchronizing their movements, to observe as to how easy that was here in class to do, where there was no overlay of race, gender, gang or other such story. Might they notice how in the flow of the Qi we can’t really find those kinds of separations. I seconded guess the impulse and thought it wiser to leave it unstated.
Later after class I entered into a marvelous conversation with F. where we shared about the impacts of the class on each of us. He starting the conversation off with the BIG question: How has coming inside here over the past 9 years changed me? Within the wandering and very validating conversation, he spoke about how during practice he had felt a very strong sense of gratitude come in for this unique opportunity to move in a peaceful and purposeful way with all these other men. Checking with him as to when this feeling had come, we realized it was right at the same time I was ready to speak on the same gift. Saying it out loud, he coached me, will help raise the whole groups consciousness. Perhaps next time.
We talked about how we each effect each other and how seldom we get to hear of how our lives impact each others. I was grateful to hear some of how class had be a huge gift in his life and prison experience. The time came in the conversation to ask him how he was impacting those around him. A twinkle came over him and he shared about his walk across the yard coming to class. He lives just a few cells from another classmate and the two of them (one Black and one Hispanic) naturally and spontaneously walked to class together enjoying each other’s company. Others noticed and watched. Part way across the yard, what began as two friends walking, became a conscious demonstration of the harmony possible between races.
Practicing harmony, on the way to practicing harmony.
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Friday, May 11, 2007
Fundamental Questions
While I was traveling, I was unavailable for a magazine interview, so I sent the writer off to this Blog. She sent me a list of questions she was unable to find which were pretty basic. For the record I am including the questions and my answers here.
1. What year did you start with qigong at Folsom?
October of 1989
2) Do you still teach there?
Yes I teach still teach at Old Folsom every Thursday afternoon.
3) Do you teach at any other prisons? If so, where?
On the same “campus” is a separate prison called CSP – SAC, I teach programs in two different Yards there on Mondays and Wednesdays. I have also taught in the past at Avenal and Mule Creek State Prisons. I have no on-going programs at these prisons.
4) How often do you teach at Folsom?
Currently, it is three days a week, I teach 5 QiGong classes and facilitate 2 spiritual support circles.
5) Number of inmates in class? A range is good ie 1-20. What is the most common number in a class?
Most classes are between 10 and 20 students, I’d say 15 is the most common number. There are al lot of reasons student can’t get to class consistently. I am not allowed to supervise more than 25 students at a time.
6) How long do inmates stay in program on average? Shortest time? Longest time?
Shortest time is one session. Its not right for them. Not what they expected. My longest student has been with me for 8 years. In CSP-SAC I have students in each class that have been with me since I becan those programs in 2004 and 2005.
I suppose the average is 6 months, but it is out of their control, mostly they get transferred or given a conflicting work assignment.
7) What are the reasons you are aware of that inmates participate?
Seeking a little peace and quiet and relief from the stresses of prison life.
8) Have you seen any changes in participants that you attribute to Qigong?
Definitely. The longer term students, are able to surrender to the Qi flow, relax and operate their lived from a more centered position. They take a larger perspective on their situation and let down their barriers to support other men who are struggling with the conditions inside. Even those who come just a time of two who I have seen later have told me what a difference it made in their outlook and understanding of the possibilities availble to them. (See Testimonials section in the Blog)
9) Do you train participants to take over teaching qigong at Folsom? Does Folsom permit inmates to teach other inmates?
Not officially, this all happens as one friend to another. In each class I have senior students that help out with logistics, library materials, and fill in for me if I have to address administrative issues during class. They are eager to help new students or lead a practice if I need to divide the group into two.
10) If you stopped teaching, do you think inmates would continue practice?
Some of them Yes, many no. Much of the benefits are received through participating in an peace-generating activity with men of other races; in developing a mature relationship with a female; in learning to listen to their own energy, as well as that of the group; in experimenting with moving from their core integrity; in having an experiential relationship with the unconditional acceptance and availability of the Qi; in learning of their own capacity to feel and cultivate harmony within themselves and a group. Sometimes I think the actual form is the least of what I offer, and then again it is the vehicle for everything that happens.
11) What sort of security is provided, if any?
I wear a whistle and an alarm. On occasion a guard drops in the check on us. Official Prison chaplains are available for support if needed. The men in the class make sure it is safe for me and preempt situations without my involvement.
12) What sort of screening program did you have to go through when you applied to teach at Folsom?
Full security check run by the institution.
13) Do you receive any compensation from Folsom?
None. (Unless you want to count the headaches and hassles)
14) Why do you do it?
It’s a Holy Commission, a Calling, an honor to serve the Tao in bringing Harmony into extreme dis-harmony. It is a fertile field for my own spiritual and personal transformation. The men are grateful, eager and hungry. Our classes are the best thing that happens for them all week. Their appreciation is payment enough when my husband makes enough to care for our families financial needs. (See blog pieces under Reflections including: What changes? What motivates me? And How do I do what I do?)
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Holiday Card from Inside
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
From Misunderstanding to Great Possession
Monday (Dec 4), I was able to teach all three of my classes and got a bonus of being in the right place at the right time to stand in for the Buddhist volunteers who couldn’t make it. Finally! It has been a very frustrating couple of months, getting inside to teach my classes so seldom, due mostly to bureaucracy bungling rather than lockdowns. It has been a long time since this blog posted “a day inside” style entry, so here goes:
The sun was shining, as I pull up to CSP-SAC or what we call New Folsom Prison through the Oak forest, powerfully simple in its leafless state. There was a new woman guard at the front gate who recognized my name from Natomas community activities. She was friendly as she puts me through a new routine of searching my cart of lunch, boom box and class materials. I pass through the metal detector without a beep. Now all volunteers must park outside the gate and get searched each visit. I don’t mind the walk in from the front gate if I have allowed enough time (I need 45 minutes to drive plus 20 more to get inside). Half way to B Yard the shuttle pulled up along side me and being late, I hoped on.
My ten o’clock class was the ongoing group, a sincere dozen fellows who practice on their own and are eager to cultivate themselves. Due the recent inconsistencies a couple of them did not have their blues on, and missed class. Their blue prison clothes are required attire for the chapel, they are allowed to wear grey or white sweats when out on the yard working out.
I had spontaneously grabbed a I-Ching as I went out the door that morning and as class gathered and waited for a few stragglers (it takes at least a half hour sometimes an hour and numerous phone calls to the housing blocks to get the men escorted to class) I was inspired to share with them from this Taoist tradition. Using the chits (metal discs stamped with my name on one side) I need for checking out keys and my alarm (I wear an garage door opener style alarm on my belt that can trigger a massive response of guards if there were trouble in the chapel, fortunately I have never in 9 years had to use it) as “coins” we asked for wisdom to inspire and guide our class. We got the most amazing reading.
38. Opposition (Misunderstanding) changing to 14 Possession in Great Measure (Now you understand). Let me give you a taste:
38. In I Ching terms, people follow false paths and oppose the truth not because they are contrary or bad, but because they misunderstand the truth. They perceive that following the truth will lead them to difficulties, so they adopt a hopeless attitude about following the good; they do not perceive that only by following the path of the true and the good can they achieve what they really seek.We are all deeply appreciative of the reading recognized the extent to which the Higher Power was present in guiding our efforts. We had time for a set of Seven Precious Gestures and found the reading had added a new depth to our movement together.
We often receive this hexagram when we begin to suspect that everything is going against us, or that we must meet life’s challenges without help from any source, or that there is no purpose to life, or that hostile events have no meaning. This hexagram tells us that although we fail to realize it we are being helped. We should not allow ourselves to become isolated by mistrusting the life process. Events have meanings we are not meant fully to comprehend; our life has higher purposes we are meant to fulfill. Adversity is necessary to growth and to the fulfillment of our higher nature.
The primary reason we misunderstand is that we fail to take into account the presence of the Higher Power in all our activities. ... The degree to which we disregard the Higher Power is the extent to which it resists aiding us; the extent of our obstinacy is the extent to which the Higher Power must shock us to make us aware of its presence. ...
Finally, we should not chastise our self for misunderstanding. Through being confronted by our ignorance and arrogance we are able to become humble and attain true understanding. Misunderstanding is the necessary prelude to understanding. ...
14. Possession in great measure refers to the state of self-possession and inner independence we have achieved through perseveringly and sincerely trying to find the correct way. In this state we unconsciously manifest the Higher Power. ... also refers to any improvement in our attitude or circumstance ... It is acquired when we have returned from wrong-doing; ... through self-discipline and self development. ...
This hexagram states unequivocally that if we truly possess a thing it cannot be lost of destroyed.
One of our primary spiritual goals is to maintain ‘great possession” or harmony with the Creative. Such harmony exists so long as when, in our innermost mind, we conscientiously serve the true and the good. ... In the face of evil we take care no to become infected with the inferior thing, but retreat and maintain our standards without falling into alienation or vindictiveness. ... While in the state of ‘possession,’ if we will sacrifice our right to justifiable anger, and relinquish any feelings of self-pity, along with the right to defend our point of view when challenged, we will succeed in remaining modest, thereby honor our teacher and guide, the Sage.
* Quoted from Carol K. Anthony’s Third edition of A Guide to the I Ching.
My noon class ended up being just three men. Some men what been moved, were at medical appointments or had yard and choose not to come inside. The men only get a few hours outside every other day and when class coincides with their precious outdoor time some skip class. When this happens we are suppose to take them off the list. Two of the men had overexerted themselves working out and were challenged by the slow flow. They dropped in and out. The remaining fellow moved very well and has attended classes on both B and C yards. Since his was the most sincere energy I focused primarily on refining his movements and he was appreciative.
Many of the regulars on B Yard have been transferred to C Yard to make room for the EOP (Enhanced Outpatient Program) men. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have enough students for two classes.
It is challenging for me as the teacher to go from a deeply satisfying class to one where I am challenged to watch my judgments, arrogance and expectations. The wisdom of the I Ching reading supported my patience and ability to speak straightforwardly to one man, who wanted to switch to the intermediate class, about his lack of maturity. It helped to trust that my gentle confrontation and honestly was prelude to his greater understanding.
After we cleared the chapel of all of the Level 4 men, who must return to their cells at 2:30pm; I was able to go over to the Gym dorm (Level I) (where the men are being triple bunked) and use the megaphone to call forth any that wanted to sign up for their class. The turnover is great in this dorm as many men are here on short sentences or are waiting for a spot to open at what is called the Ranch (they get to do all the landscaping and jobs with greater freedom). I hadn’t been able to offer them a class since June. Just two of the regulars remained, and ten new men were curious enough to sign up.
I have to prepare a list, organized by bunk number with the men’s names and numbers with no mistakes by 2:30 so that they can be “out-counted”. That means they are allowed to be in with me in the chapel during the official counting of all the prisoners in the institution at 4 o’clock. I made tiny mistakes on the original so an officer interrupted class needing an “FBD” added to all the bunk numbers. Then some how we had two men on the list that couldn’t be there so I had to do the list over again and that still wasn’t right. The whole count was held up until I redid the list a forth time. Fortunately during the interruptions my two students with experience were able to keep class going and my chi was still in “bear with the misunderstandings” mode and I did not chastise myself too harshly. I got “read from the book” from the guards when I went later to apologize.
We started class with hand massage and a basis introduction to what QiGong is and isn’t. I find explaining the rich resource up front and placing QiGong in perspective with the martial arts misunderstandings are cleared up early on and the men know not to expect a refinement in their fighting skills. Two of the men were eager to twist the moves I taught later into what they thought were more martial moves. I didn’t fluster with this as I have in the past, I just gave them a look that put them in place without throwing off the group flow with verbal reprimands. Still, I don’t think I will allow them to come next week without a straight up discussion of expected behavior.
One of the sweetest moments, came after we did a warm-up set I have developed to connect us into the energies all around and inside us. The two experienced men turned simultaneously to me and and with quivering voices exclaimed, “Oh, we have missed class so much, we are so glad you have come back.” Their sincerity and the depth from which the message came made me stop, swallow in their gratitude, and then turn to the newcomers and ask if they might not have sensed even just a little bit in those first few movements what these two had obviously felt. They had.
I have never understood why some QiGong masters create such a mystery around feeling the chi, saying that it takes years to learn. ... B.S. ... Simple moves done with sincerity and the flow becomes conscious! I expect even the newest of students to feel the chi, and they do.
Class continued with a assortment of movements from different traditions. I just didn’t have the energy to put forward any organize teaching so we just did the moves the old timers liked best.
Exhausted I packed up the boom box, handouts and library materials and checked all the locks before heading out into the rising of the full moon. Before I leaving the Yard, I listened and saw the pictures of one student’s children. He is praying for a court order Friday requiring their mother to allow them to visit. The depth and sorrow of his separation from them and the intensity of the misunderstanding with his wife, returned me to the big vision of the I-Ching reading, as I prayed that some how this tragic pain might shift so the love in his heart could be shared.
Breathing in the moonlight as I walked to the front gate, I noticed the Chaplain standing there. He was waiting for the Buddhist volunteers, but a misunderstanding had kept them from coming and I offered to stand in for them. Leaving everything in my car, I turned around and went into C Yard and enjoyed the opportunity to meet some of the other volunteers who were there for the Inside Circle Board Meeting (a powerful group, please explore link on left side bar).
Thirty some men showed up for the Buddhist services. Perhaps 1/3 to 1/2 of them I recognized from their participation in my various classes. Seeing them, and their faces lighting up as they saw me, gave me a real feeling of belonging and value. They pointed me towards the most dedicated of the Buddhist students and I consulted with him as to how to proceed without the regular volunteers. Although I encouraged him to proceed with their usual ways, he felt the group might benefit more from the opportunity of having me share from my tradition.
What followed was a deep experience for me. A short dharma talk about doorways into the Holy Silence from different traditions and then a guided meditation connecting to big Yin and Yang energies flowing into a activation of the central channel. I sensed a cumulative energy as we meditated of great depth and sincerity. I have never guided this large of group in sitting meditation before and felt a little out of my league, but kept trusting and waiting for the Holy nudges.
Then we got up on our feet and tried standing meditation, laughing meditation and a few moves exploring the central core from which all life springs. Some Q and A evolved. I shared from my core and and they seemed to pick it up in their core. We were all in “Possession of Great Measure!”
Later as I floated in and out of sleep I could feel the excess chi spinning, seeking release, seeking balance. What a day. And today as I write this I feel deeply, gently exhausted from the grace and the intensity. What a gift to write out the day to you readers and see how the I-Ching reading played out over and over again. Thank you for listening.
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Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Patience of Trees
I have been back for three weeks now. Rededicated. Renewed. Ready.
Potential was there for 15 programs, just two have happened.
I am not alone. I spent this week at the Prison Chaplains conference listening to the frustrations of professionals responsible for 1700 inmates each. (Chaplain to inmate ratio is 1 to 1700 in California).
The highlight of the conference was spending an hour or so with one of the Buddhist volunteers during the faith group breakout. The only two contemplative volunteers, we shared in the challenges of setting aside so much time to offer opportunities for the men to meditate together (3-4 hours each trip) and then to be turned away at the gate. And despite all the headaches, heart aches and hassles receiving so much fulfillment from the practice. The Buddhist group has taken to offering Metta outside the gate. I have taken to the small redwood circle on my property and spend that “class time” moving and praying. Trusting my intent-filled offerings to be of benefit. Praying for the deep patience of the trees.
My I-Ching reading today spoke prophetically about duration (#32):
“Duration is a state whose movement is not worn down by hindrances. It is not a state of rest, rather the self-contained and therefore self-renewing movement of an organized, firmly integrated whole, taking place in accordance with immutable laws and beginning anew at every ending. The end is reached by an inward movement, by inhalation, and this movement turns into a new beginning which the movement is directed outward.”*
I received a free 10 minute session with Laughter Coach Annette Goodheart today after I surfed up onto the beach of her website. She had me laughing through a fantasy of setting free some of the men who had done their work of inner healing (and telling off the men who just shine me on). When she asked me for a statement of deep seriousness about my work and frustrations, I spoke, but could not laugh: If we do not take seriously the personal spiritual transformation potential of these men and women inside, there is little hope for the healing the wounds of our society that turned them into criminals. Actually I think it was a bit more blunt: If they aren’t given the opportunity to heal, society can’t hope to heal.
When are we going to get it? We get no further as humanity, than those we label as “the least of these”. The poor, the hungry, the homeless, the imprisoned, the victims, the insane, the refugees, the tortured ... These are the ones who hold the trump cards for our future. They hold the key for any possibility of our grandchildren enjoying lives of peace and justice. When are we going to turn away from our gluttony and fears and face those we trample upon? When are we going to offer our hand and ask, “teach me... how can we heal this together? Where have I contributed? What stones have I cast?”
B Yard CSP SAC (New Folsom) is slowly shifting its population to EOP – those on big time psych meds with a violent past. What shape would a safe (for me and the men) program take? Is this the right place for me in the “black hole of need”? Several I have been sharing with over the past months have spoken of a article they saw in a New Age newspaper about a Hawaiian psychologist and shaman who works with the criminally insane by working on himself.
I surfed and found Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len and his teachings on cleansing our own thoughts to heal situations and problems. We can’t be acting out of love and thinking thoughts of resentment, blame and anger at the same time.
That got me to Dr. Cat in Seattle and her articles on Dr. Hew Len, and wisdom on forgiveness and healing among other great reads. Can society forgive the men inside? And can the men inside forgive society? Can I forgive and be forgiven?
So when am I going to get it? When am I going to stop casting stones at the prison system and come from the place of love that I profess to teach? I think its time to lean back into the trees and do some inside work on my frustrations, anger and judgments. I have come back with a renewed commitment, but am still not flowing forth from an unconditional place. Forgive me. I’m sorry. May Love be the true power over us all.
May the inward movement be self-renewing and turn into a new beginning.
* Excerpted from Wilhelm/Baynes edition of the I Ching or Book of Changes page 126.
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Thursday, June 29, 2006
Traveling toward empty
I'm traveling now.
Traveling toward The Friends General Conference Gathering (a week with 1,700 Quakers in Tacoma, Washington).
Traveling toward something different in my prison Call.
Traveling toward empty, toward surrender, towards renewal, toward openings.
I am answering a call within the Call. A call to release the tension behind my heart, a call to empty my cup, a call to surrender to God's will for my prison ministry. A call to empty of my "doing" good works, a call to not be so engaged in my "being", a call to dissolve into the flow, surrendering as it carries me forth.
Last week I was able to guide all 5 of my QiGong classes and I can't remember when that happened last. So although the good-bye part was difficult, we traveled deeply both in the silent practice, and in the community and individual conversations. The men frequently wanted to be sure I went off knowing how much they appreciated my dedication and interest. Together we seemed to have moved beyond abandonment to the simpler truth that we all need breaks sometimes.
I offered a mini retreat a couple of Wednesdays ago, a 4 hour session, with the serious students. We relaxed more into community, sharing and exploring our responses to the chi with color crayons and gentle conversation. As we were finishing the men started asking me questions about my spiritual history, how I came to prison work and what my sabbatical about.
I mentioned my house fire and one blurted out, "so you know!" I looked at him questioningly. "You know what it is like to loose everything." I did but I hadn't connected my loss to theirs. For me theirs is so much greater, being separated from their families and rejected by the community. Yet something in their eyes had shifted.
And it shifted once more as I spoke of "just knowing, never really questioning when the opportunity appeared to come inside." One said, "This is your truth." Yes, I suppose it is.
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Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Ongoing Revelation
"You have to learn to seek first the kingdom of heaven,
the place of stillness and quiet at the highest level of which you are capable,
and then the heavenly influences can pour into you, recreate you and
use you for the salvation of all human kind."
--White Eagle
Every yard in the California prison system was shut down when a guard was taken hostage on C yard (CSP SAC) the day after I went in there with Swami Rishi. I was able to return to Old Folsom the following week and yesterday was able to go into B yard (CSP SAC). I hope it will be possible to return to C Yard at least once before I go on sabbatical, but I am not holding my breath.
B Yard has a reputation for being a “no program” yard, because of its history of lockdowns, so the men are always relieved when I return and begin again after a lockdown. It was good to see them too.
Having spent the weekend in Hollywood at a Gabrielle Roth 5 Rhythms workshop, I was still hopping to an internal beat that had made sleeping difficult after the long drive home and was a bit peppy for the Tai Chi Chih form we have been studying. Gabrielle was open to the possibility of coming inside if it could be arranged and I was inspired to experiment with linking some of her teachings with the QiGong. All weekend we had focused on two things: how our feet danced with the ground and expressing our selves from the moving center (dan tien).
To loosen us up, we shook loose our joints using a 5 minute drumming track from one of Gabrielle’s CD’s. Focusing on each body part helps get most folks out of their thoughts and into their bodies. Then we played with our feet on the ground, we played with the route from the feet to the belly and we played with the energy movement between the legs through the belly as the weight shifted.
Embodied and grounded we all were primed for a silent practice. We stayed in our circle and only occasionally did we get out of sync. I stayed in my feet and my own practice and purposely did not make eye contact but left them to follow along and have what ever experience was up for them.
Sitting around together on the stage steps after practice we shared and the experience had brought several men face to face to how ‘chi follows thought’. One spoke of how he got distracted when the group fell out of sync, but then decided all he could do was focus on his own feet and stay in the flow.
Another caught himself outside the room in a thought story and then noticed that he was out of sync. He described the difficulty he had switching back from a distracting story in his head to his feet, and how satisfying it was when he rejoined the group and moved with the bigger flow.
Shifting to silent practices and isolating the warm-up, instruction and sharing as separate parts of class feels very satisfying. Turning the men over to their own experiences and the larger Qi-Field is ... well ... like ... duh. It fits the Quaker in me, it conserves my personal energy, disengages my ego, increases the participation and attention level among the men, and it allows us all to absorb more from the Qi-Field.
We Quakers have a buzz phrase, “ongoing revelation,” to remind ourselves of the constant activity of God in our lives teaching us, guiding us, changing our beliefs, renewing our practices with new input and insight, interrupting what we thought were divine patterns or beliefs to bring forth the new. Creatively engaging in our lives here and now. I am so grateful for all the people who have showed up in my life lately to “stand in” for God in this dance of my life. A deep bow to Baba Hari Dass for guiding us into the silence once again; Gabrielle Roth for bringing the inside out through the dance.
May we each surrender to the silence through our practice of choice and allow ourselves to be transformed by it.
"You have to learn to seek first the kingdom of heaven,
the place of stillness and quiet at the highest level of which you are capable,
and then the heavenly influences can pour into you, recreate you and
use you for the salvation of all human kind."
--White Eagle
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Thursday, June 01, 2006
Turning it over to the silence
Swamiji and I had tea with Baba Hari Dass a few weeks ago. When I had my one-on-one time with him, I told him I taught meditation in the prisons and asked if he had a teaching for me to take inside. He wrote back on his tiny white board that hangs around his neck, ” Do they come to pass time or to meditate?”
I answered. “both, some to pass time and others are sincere.” Then he advised, “Make silence a rule during class,” looked me in the eye, nodded and went back to handing out goodies to the children present.
So today, my first time to teach inside since his blessing, I took up the challenge. After a brief explanation about levels of listening and learning during a silent practice we began. I had several new men, a dozen beginners and just a few with much experience, but it worked well. What was special was that I was engaged in a very different way. I was engaged with the QiField, engaged with my own practice, but I surrendered my students to the Qi, (Chi) the vital force, the Holy flow. In giving up responsibility for the men's experience, I lightened, the room lightened and the quiet held us all as we flowed through the moves. The men spoke positively about their experience.
After the silent practice, we sat on the floor and S. and I answered questions, about the moves, about Chinese Healing practices, ... about religious implications. Everyone seemed relaxed and surrendered, including myself... I good sign.
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Breaking down the human family
Reflecting on the recent months of tension in my neck and back, I also recognize that I have been picking up a lot of grief from the men especially around being separated from their families. Last Wednesday one of my Level I men spoke of how he has been trying unsuccessfully for 9 months to get clearance for his children’s counselor to visit, so she could bring his children to see him, as his ex-wife refuses. His daughter was to turn 8 the next day and he was not going to be allowed even a special phone call. “I was a 25/8 kind of Dad, not an absentee father, I miss them so much and I am being erase from their lives.” he grieved.
Another Level IV man shared about a initiative drive to reinstate family visits for men serving Life sentences. What must it mean to miss your families so desperately? Phone calls are outrageously expensive and difficult. Mail is often lost or delayed for weeks. Letters get destroyed with just a reference to a web-site address even though they have no access to the internet. Story after story fills my heart with anguish.
For the men inside, the burden of guilt over abandoning their families is further aggravated by the obstacles placed in the way of repairing these very relationships. The restoration of prisoner’s family relationships is fundamental not only to their rehabilitation, but the future of their children and our society in breaking the cycles of violence and criminal behavior. Separating a person from their family is the best way to break down a person’s soul. Deliberately hindering the healing of families is the best way to break down a society’s soul.
May compassion find a way somehow.
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Sunday, March 26, 2006
Not me, but Christ in me
My short vacation from prison to lead a Quaker retreat, attend a week-long Restoration retreat and visit with friends and family on the east coast left me with more questions than answers about good self-care and the intensity of teaching my schedule.
The first Wednesday back inside was difficult. Was it letting my own practice slide while traveling? Was it being out-of-condition with respect to the prison environment? Or just the demands of holding each class together with a widening range of interest and experience levels?
It is not unusual for me to be exhausted after teaching 3 classes in a row, but it was unusual for me to have a tension headache and back muscle stress after the first class. It didn’t help that I had several students challenging me during the second class. One was bold enough to ask, “What’s wrong with the chi today? I’m not feeling anything. ... It must be your new shoes.” Another was being goofy with the moves. The ‘soothing’ music stuttered and jumped from scratches on the CD. Head throbbing, I fumbled with addressing the ‘rowdy ones’ and keep class flowing for those that were trying. Finally, I to proclaimed, “What’s with the energy today?” and ask directly for some respect.
Wisely one student remembered and suggested our laughter practice, we gave it a half hearted try. At least half of the men had not done the Laughing QiGong before and my own mood was forced. But just the remembering, and trying, created the foundation for the shift we needed.
We all settled into a very focused practice. I stopped teaching and fell silent, cueing only the transitions between movements. Everyone stayed synchronized. The chi in the chapel took on a very determined quality. Certainly better than before, but then I realized we had swung out of balance in the other direction. I suggested that instead of pushing the chi and forcing the togetherness, we each stay flowing together, but each let go of the efforting and float on the unified flow of the chi. The shift in the room was dramatic. After we finished that move, I asked what the men might have noticed. The only one brave enough to speak up, declared that he found the effortless movements to be even more powerful in a way that deeply surprised him.
While we seemed to salvage the class, the headache was settling in. Even a 20 minute ‘nap’ at the chaplain’ desk before the Dorm Gym class didn’t help.
My third class was 6 men, four regulars and two new guys. I asked P. if he wouldn’t start class off and lead us in hand massage. P. uses the reflexology that I taught regularly and with great effect on his aches and pains. He did a great job and the headache started to calm down a bit. I put on a video, expecting just to use just the introduction, but we ended up following along all the way through. Having Pam (Towne) lead (on video) gave me the opportunity to circulate and help each man with individual corrections and suggestions. I could also just move next to the new fellow which seemed to fit his learning style best. Then we sat, let the chi steep, and finished the class with easy conversation. I need to ask for help more often.
I dragged myself to the chiropractor, my neck was in, but my hip was out in an unusual way. The adjustment, brought a new flow up my spine and made the headache manageable. (headaches are very unusual for me) Praying before sleep, I offered up this obviously blocked flow of chi, and asked, “guide me, help me know how to take care of myself so that I might continue to serve these men inside.”
In the dream state, I heard the phrase, “not me, but Christ in me”. I recognized the guidance as “you’re trying to do the work, thinking the results are due to your efforts, that’s what causes the stress and tension.” ... Can’t get much clearer and more difficult instructions given to a perfectionist like me.
... Still in that soft flexible dream state, I prayed to know the roots of my beliefs. ... Then I heard my father, encouraging me, saying, “That’s a good girl, you’ve done it all by yourself.” ... Oh ... And an older self feeling ... “If you want it done right, do it yourself”. ... I love the way I get taught like this in my dreams. Now to just apply the lessons and let go of 50 year old patterns.
My first experiment was to pick up on what I learned the day before, letting my own teachers help me, by using their videos. Technical difficulties thwarted me for the first class on Thursday, but got resolved for the next one. We had fun imagining ourselves practicing in all the beautiful locations shown on the video.
So let’s see how well I can get out of the way and let the divine flow of the chi be the teacher. ... Can I let go of doing it all by myself, and accept help? ... Perhaps if I do less, the men might actually get more. ... The gifts of a ‘messy’ class, can teach as powerfully as any ‘together’ class. ...
Please pray for me,
that I might truly know on all levels of my being that
“it is not me, but Christ in me”
that serves, that teaches, that heals, that loves.
Note: For me words such as Christ, divine flow, Qi, chi, God, Holy, spirit of love, grace etc.are all characteristics pointing towards the ineffable Tao or G_d. I hope you can flow with their interchangeabity here.
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Friday, February 24, 2006
Applied QiGong principles
Yin and Yang: On B Yard this week, we watched a segment of the Bill Moyers PBS special explaining Traditional Chinese Medicine and Qi. We paused just after the calligrapher explained about Yin and Yang.
Wanting them to embody the information they had just heard, we focused on just the weight shifts for some time introspectively watching the energy move from one leg to another; feeling the need for one leg to release in order for the other leg to receive; feeling the impulse to return to emptiness even in the fullness.
Then we stopped and stretched the concept out a bit wider… here I was a lone white ‘free’ female, in a Level IV prison chapel with a class full of African- American men inside the worst yard in the California state prison system – a tiny dot of yin inside all this yang. I spoke of how our own practice contributes to the cultivation of peace and could begin to bring the energetic balance of the prison system into alignment. Some of them gave me the “you’re crazy, white lady” look; others nodded, knowingly participating in this subversive intention. Playing with opposites brings forth balance.
Flowing from the Center: Our classes are held in concrete cinder-block, ugly, uninspiring chapels, devoid of art, lit with florescent tubes, air circulating with very noisy fans. This is the spiritual center, the Yard is the center for the physical activity and violence, and the Watch Office is center for control. When I first came a year ago, the chapel energy was very stuck, murky and dismal. I was nervous and new to these men. I choose to believe that there was positive, healing, life force energy (healthy Qi) here, and with intention, our classes could tap into and nurture its flow.
I had described the place to Sr. Antonia before she got there, (see The Gift of Presence entry) and once there she said, It's not that bad, a little stale, but it’s shifting.” It was then that I recognized that it was my perceptions that needed shifting, I was stuck in my first impressions. Five months of meditation practice, plus greater care by the Clerks was having an impact. This week I was more conscious about seeing the efforts the men were making, and watching it flow out the door with them. Several guards came into talk, attracted by “something”.
We have a QiField-setting series of movements we do to see ourselves in the middle of a infinite sphere of energy, grounded, expanded, centered. This sequence finishes with a simple flowing gesture I call “Pebble in the Pond” that speaks to the ripples of energy each of us send forth from our lives.
Softness and Continuity. Effortless Effort: Yield and Overcome is a difficult Taoist concept in this place. The 'reality' is yield and be dominated. To stay alive, as J. writes (see All the Protection I need entry), the men and guards hold ourselves in tightly, defended, suspicious, and prepared for the worst. Stress is what keeps everyone alert and prepared. Many of the men keep their eyes sheltered, their bodies constricted and controlled.
For the most part I ignore their struggles, thinking it would not serve to draw attention to stiffness, but would serve better to provide an opportunity to experiment with other choices. It is much easier to “just keep moving” than to make a big deal about it. So we stay on our feet, keep moving and slowly the softness sneaks in and the smiles come, and by the end of class I have a lot more eye contact as we say good-bye. When the challenge–du-jour comes I remember to practice flowing. Water moves around rocks. If we can soften and flow here, what potential might be released?
Continuity is essential. For some reason if the men know you are just coming in once in a while they are reluctant to make any effort to come to the program. From my perspective it seems to take at least three months of consistency to melt a little ice melt. Lukewarm has taken at least a year. The flow starts sooner with the men then the guards. Just now, after 8 years, I am getting comments for a guard or two such as, “oh you’re a regular, its ok.” I make the effort of consistency, and allow the rest to flow forth in the moment. It’s all a practice.
18:55 Posted in Journal - Folsom Prison , Qi-Field Writings , Reflections | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
Friday, February 17, 2006
In dialogue with the forces of the Universe
Old Folsom.
Finally. 5 months later and we were once again able to move together in the Old Folsom Chapel. It’s always something, but this time the “yard went down” just after a dozen men had gotten into the chapel for class. Half were new. We celebrated with a full set of T’ai Chi Chih movements, going slow enough with just enough instruction to keep the new men with us. When we got into the Pulling Taffy part of the form, S. and I demonstrated and let some watch and others practice behind us. We had just brought our circle back together and were in the middle of ‘polishing our halos’ (Light at the Top of the Head is the 16th of 20 moves) when the chaplain came in and announced “Yard recall”. We were so happy to have been able to get the chi moving again in the chapel, to see each other, and flow together that we didn’t let it bother us to have to quit 20 minutes early.
I am grateful for the feeling of communion and peace arose so naturally moving together even after all this time apart.
I believe it’s a synchronization of individual energies into a common resonance, where the vibrational fields merge into coherence. It is where the ‘hum’ of each of us join into a common ‘hum’ that has a special harmonic balance and reaches into the ‘hum or ohm” of the universe singing to itself. It is the frequency where our brain waves shift into a increased alpha and theta pattern, where the shift out of tension opens the doorway to new possibilities. Together we relax into a willingness, into a natural state of balance and harmony, that really is not that far beneath the surface.
Together we tapped into the ‘infinite energy source’ and entered into dialogue with the forces of the universe.
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Gift of Presence
Sr. Antonia, the Guide for our ‘T’ai Chi Chih® practice graced Folsom prison with her gentle flow this week. Three groups of 10, 8 and 4 men three on ‘B’ Yard benefited greatly from her instruction, wisdom and stillness.
I have focused my teaching on T’ai Chi Chih since Thanksgiving, the men seemed to know just enough to take advantage of the refinements and coaching she offered. It’s such a gift for them to hear from another teacher and get a wider perspective.
Sister Antonia started each class with a circle discussion using Justin Stone’s (p. 15 Spiritual Odyssey) quote:
Trying is not the Way
Not trying is not the Way
You say it must be one or the other,
But I say
Neither Nor
What did it mean to them?
Effortless ness … Just do It … being not doing … being in the moment …
Introducing herself, she spoke of her Order’s commitment to marginalized women, paroled women, trafficked women. When she did in our second class, a noticeable energetic shift occurred that I name as a heart opening, or union in the energy of compassion at the mention of trafficked women, we both felt it shift the whole room. We did not speak further on the topic, yet a new alignment was apparent.
One group has a lanky, energetic, talkative man of great enthusiasm but little sense of his body or timing. Being across the circle is difficult for him, so he likes to stand next to me. He started out just as awkward and out-of sync, but something Sr. Antonia said coaching to let go of tension in the arms, broke free a block and suddenly he quietly entered into the group flow. I was stunned by the shift. Later after we had sat and heard Justin’s quote about receiving (p.22), he spoke of the sudden effortlessness and a white light penetrating him from above down to his chest. Quietly affirming his experience, Sr. Antonia spoke of the next step towards integrating the mind and the body: circulating the flow of chi between the arms and the legs by attention to the soles of the feet.
Another man spoke of the gift of this class being an experience of the opposite of the divisions they live within (race, gang, away from family, no women…). Here they could relax and let down their constant vigilance. Sister encouraged them to continue practicing and learning how to ‘move as one with no divisions.’
Reflecting with me later as we rested between our 2nd and 3rd class that day, she observed, “ I can’t see the bad in them. I can only see the goodness.”
These first two classes were with the ‘bad boys’ of the prison, maximum security Level IV; our third class was with the Level I men of the Gym dorm. Four of my most regular attendees came and enjoyed not only a practice together but also a lengthy time of sharing. They reflected on their experience with Tai Chi Chih as we allowed the chi to settle…
This teaches me patience and a faith in my fellow man … I don’t yell at the crazies anymore … I have patience with myself, with the time I have yet to serve, with the others I love. I have patience to wait it out. … Our loved ones have a harder time than we do … the two things that keep me sane are my weekly phone calls home to my sister and this class. ... Wednesdays are really the beginning of the week; this class gets me ready to live another week here. …After class, we see through different eyes the chaos we live within. …I have learned to let go of the chaos. …This is my medicine. … I have learned to see myself differently.
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Belonging
An awareness surfaced as I was walking in the Oaks a couple of weeks ago, seeking to let the last “leaves” of one prison stress or another drop from my branches....
That I belong inside New and Old Folsom prison, just as much as any of the men belong, as the captains and wardens belong, as the guards, staff and pigeons belong.
It was a new awareness of a very deep kind, quiet and subtle. Different from the past where I have always felt like a guest, an interloper, a hassle, a outsider wanting to do good, a visitor who was both welcomed by some and put up with by others. This feeling came in relation to New Folsom.
The past two weeks I have walked in differently, taught differently, and treated both the guards and men differently. Its been a healthy shift into a greater confidence. A greater realism that includes the possibility of me making mistakes, of recognizing more and more of the assumptions I have been making and letting them go. Less defended against “what are they thinking of me”, it now seems O.K. To be ‘more of me’. I am vulnerable inside, and that is not going to change by pretending otherwise.
Some of this has come by living through the traumas of the past months and gaining a greater perspective. Some has come from the men themselves as they have read this blog and come to see more of my story in relationship to their story. Primarily, I feel it as a spirit based shift. Dropping deeper in the collective nature of our journeys together, rather than the surface comings and going in and out of the gates and their lives.
Three other understandings have been building blocks in this sense of Belonging.
(1) I hadn’t been able to come in for the Circle of Life, spiritual direction group since Thanksgiving and was feeling disconnected. One of the men pointed out that really, this was our (Joanne and myself) problem. And was a problem of perception. They stayed in this place of canceled programs and random chances to share meaningfully. We came and went. We were disconnecting ourselves getting swallowed up in all the rest of our lives, understandably.
(2) In November I had started seeing the threads of connection that never seemed to drop away, between my students and myself in a valuable spiritual light. Quite suddenly I welcomed the opportunity to provide a 24/7 presence of peace in their lives. I prayed that if troubled they might remember the teachings I had shared, to reconnect in that moment with the stable, internally centered strength of peaceful presence that I aspired to represent to them, as the Dali Lama did for me. My psyche’s need to cleanse and detach from some of the toxic energy of the place (while still real), had been preempted by my spirit’s desire to remain a constant in their lives.
(3) My experiences with cell visits and stiff students is teaching me what a minefield of assumptions I carry, and how useless they are in helping me relate to the men. The only safe place for me to relate is spirit to spirit, soul to soul. And even there to simply flow and trust a greater story is playing out through our relationship.
Together with the events of the past few months, I have come to see how my fears of “getting it wrong, of making mistakes, of not being good enough” were keeping me separate. The men, hungry for what I bring in, have been generous in their forgiveness of my stumbling, and have help more than they know when they tell me, “How could you have known?”. The guards, are sharp sometimes in their corrections and generally are quite severe in the distance they keep, are unquestionably there if I need them, and watch over me, even if reluctantly. They expect me now, I have become a part of their week.
Meanwhile, back at Old Folsom
Writing the above, I realize that I had achieved this shift over at the Old Folsom prison (they are do different institutions on the same property) a few years back. But here this very sense of belonging is now showing its shadow side as entitlement. Strong feelings have surfaced when classes have been cancelled for four months now. I have been alternately sad, angry, frustrated, patient and persistent. Expectations unmet, my patience has kicked the walls a few times.
Next up: learning to belong without expectations.
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Friday, December 02, 2005
Cell Visits and Holiday Cards
My willingness to visit with men at their cells, was answered with the opportunity this week.
Fog settled in and if the guards can’t see clearly across the yard, then all movement of the prisoners is cancelled. Wednesday’s fog did not lift until late afternoon so instead of holding class, I went and began visits to students. Thursdays class was cancelled as it will be for several weeks while an extensive search is conducted of the entire C Yard cells and facility.
All but one visit was rewarding and enjoyable for both myself and the 10 men I visited. I learned about Rastafarian style of worship, helped an atheist explore his beliefs, saw photos of family members, answered questions about Taoism, discussed Quaker style worship, talked about Buddhist meditation styles, heard stories of transformation, read spiritual poetry, learned that a macramé cross costs two soups and heard expressions of gratefulness for the visits and the classes.
Drenched by the rain moving from block to block, I returned to the Chapel for my lunch. I joined the Chaplains and the C-Dorm men assembling packets of donated Holiday Cards for each of the prisoners. Casual conversations filled the room as well as Christmas carols. Some 18,000 cards had been divided up by the end of the afternoon. Each man will receive 5 cards to send out.
Pastor French, who I had heard speak at the volunteer banquet, was there helping. He was once a inmate on this very Yard and has an beautiful story of personal healing. He is now a pastor at a Stockton church and returns to give inspirational talks. I took the opportunity to ask for his counsel and prayer about the violence among the men, the repressed sexual energy and porn I was confronted with in the cell visits. For many the personality challenges that brought them here are now magnified. Like us on the outside, there are days when we act healthy and whole, and there are days when our inner chaos runs the show.
He reminded me that we are here to bring in Christ’s light, our ministry is not dependent upon individual healings or transgressions. Aspire to hold on to the bigger picture, to bear witness to Christ’s love and leave the men in God’s hands.
May I turn their healing and my healing over to the Presence of Love.
May I always remember not to rely my own abilities or strengths in these cell visits, but to discover God showing up in all sorts of ways.
May I represent woman-kind in a way that invites respect and honor.
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Spearhead Concert
Today was a big day for New Folsom C Yard. The long awaited Michael Franti and Spearhead concert thrilled maybe 50 inmates and many staff and visitors from the media and KVMR the radio station that had coordinated and broadcasted the effort. Joanne and I were drawn into the excitement.
I wanted to be two places at once, at the concert on C Yard and to offer a Thanksgiving program for the men on B Yard. Fortunately the yard sergeant allowed me to combine my two morning programs. So we had one large group, nearly 25, and while my smaller groups seem to drop down quicker, we still got there. A thanksgiving focus was kept light, but present. The holidays are hard for the men. Many programs are cancelled because volunteers are spending time with their families. And of course they are missing their families.
The Protestant Chaplain had a speaker and wanted to use the Gym in the afternoon, so I let the men know I wasn’t coming in. I shared with them all the Thanksgiving message Jim had written in 2000 that inspired me so. Nothing to be thankful for... Experiment with a pause in your breathing, ah...thank you for the air...experiment with a pause in your eating for a day, ah...thank you for food... Maybe someday I will type it in so you all can read it, but not tonight.
Then Joanne and I were privileged guests at the Michael Franti concert. I just couldn’t sit still, but the other free people were, so I go up and went back into my little side room where I teach and boogied out of sight. Some of the other women who had sung earlier opening the concert joined me there and we had a fun time moving to the music. The whole thing was a real energetic high, I hope they do a CD with photos on it!!
Joanne and I came back in a little later and lead the Circle of Life group. Some powerful stories of the men’s progress in manifesting their deep intentions to upgrade special relationships in their lives. Its amazing what a little focusing on your deepest desires does to get the energy flowing into fulfillment.
When asked what one person can do to change the world, Michael Franti replied, " I don't know what one person can do except connect with other people. In doing that, each of us play our role. My role is a story teller and song writer. I 'm sonebody who is trying to keep the spirits of other people strong despite all the chas and fear around us." Thank you Michael for coming in today! And coming into our hearts and souls each time we hear your music. May the songs of Love continue to pur through you!
http://www.spearheadvibrations.com
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Onion tears
“While transformation results in changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the actual process of transformation does not involve changing these things directly but instead requires a change in perspective — altering one’s core assumptions about the nature of things.”
– Marilyn Schlitz-Mandala, PhD
I’ve been inside a new chapter of my prison story for a month or so now. Funny how you know something fundamentally has shifted long before the words come to express it. Another veil has lifted, another layer of the onion peeled, and my heart feels raw and exposed as the tears sting my cheeks.
Part of this chapter is about waking up to the inmate to inmate violence, or what today we were calling the “under belly” of prison life. Nothing has changed inside the walls, but much seems to have changed inside me. A willingness to see and be seen has brought my attention to the daily terror the men and guards live within. Just the vicarious sharing of a tiny piece of this pain has me all twisted, and yet the Holy seems to be standing close by, tending me carefully.
Classes yesterday (three on B Yard) and today (one on C yard, Old Folsom once again locked down) were full of flow and my whole being was vibrating in a harmony that kept up through the night as a holy chant saturated my sleeping and dreaming states. After class I wanted to visit a man who has not been able to come to class, but the guards were searching for weapons.
A conversation arose about prison programs, and before the men could edit themselves, I heard: “Wasn’t that when “X” got his face cut off my “Y”? They quickly reassured me that that was the only act of violence that they know of that had happened in the chapel. But the story came out, along with a number of other stories about the climate of violence and culture of shot callers and obligations to fight, even if the issue had no relevance to you or your own friends. Stories being stabbed when you refused to fight … of trying to keep a friend from bleeding to death as others scattered … of shot-callers owning men … and inmates answering to shot-callers in distant prisons. I am hearing stories like this not only from the men, but the guards and chaplains.
While I was being educated on the darker side of prison life, another alarm went off. Soon we saw a stretcher head across the yard, then returned filled, with a bloody handcuffed cellmate escorted behind. Two roommates had chosen handmade shanks to solve their problems. This sparked further stories about what it was like to live within this violent game and survive holding to a different path. “I don’t run across the yard anymore, to get in any one else fight.” “I don’t care if I get stabbed next, I refuse to fight in another’s game.”
I walked out of the Chapel into the sunlight and past the bench where I had sat with the GED teacher after the last fight I witnessed. She had said that the men have delayed their fights until she was out of harms way, and didn’t worry too much about getting in the middle of things. The punishment is much more severe if a free staff gets hurt. But I still couldn’t help but imagining myself as the “ashen faced volunteer struggling to fill out a report” that the clerks had just described.
I went over to B Yard, thinking I would visit some of my students who have been locked down for several weeks. An hour or so earlier there had been a stabbing with two Hispanics taken out to the hospital. As I checked in at the Watch Office, I fell into a conversation with a guard who was unwinding from the events. Feeling that it would be helpful to my education and his tension release, I listened. More stories of feces contaminated knives aimed at their neck veins, having to pick apart an inmates bowel movement to find drugs and weapons, punctuated his review of the men who I wanted to visit, all of who were on lockdown.
After the stories, I didn’t feel very grounded, but went ahead into the cell blocks. I started with the man I knew better than the others. Our conversation didn’t last long, he seemed interrupted and it was unsettling to look beyond the pornography mounted in his window. That was enough, I could hear my inner wisdom coach. I no longer had the stomach for “cold calls” to other students, at least today.
As I got to my car, the tears struggled for release. More got shed in the park. I experimented with my prayer beads, but I didn’t want to pull away from this pain quite yet. I must “get it” about the violence between the men, and not be so naïve. I must know the risks and the perversions of this place, and find the way through fear, disgust and grief. The inmate's internal business of violence has plenty of causes, consequences and perpetrators and all this poison is what makes my small efforts valuable.
May I be given the strength to continue to be shown the reality of this environment.
May the very peace, I bring inside, sustain me as I face into this terror.
"...for the one who is in you is greater
than the one who is in the world."
I John 4:4
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Friday, November 04, 2005
Impulse for the Ripple
There is always something. ... another day inside the prison stories. If you have been reading this blog for a while you have gotten the idea, the blockages to the flow that are inherent to the nature of the institution are always present in various mutations. I don’t find any motivation to block what I am doing, just plenty of higher priority concerns. Volunteer based programs find themselves down near the bottom. But we seem to be increasingly on the list. This is good.
There is always the essential chi and its flow.This is the initiating impulse behind all transformation. I’m challenging myself to focus my blog writing on stories from the actual practice, and stories of transformation, mine and the men’s.
B Yard Main: This was the week we were to split the class into two sessions to accommodate all of the men interested. The last two weeks we have only called out 1/2 our list so that my numbers would not be over the limit (25). We had enthusiastic if short classes. Seems to take forever to get the men in to the chapel (Oops there I go again).
Challenges: At one point I was teaching the basic weight shifting principles and a couple of guards walked in. The energy of the men shifted noticeably, as the chapel clerk answered their questions, I kept working with them on focusing in their feet and being mindful of their alignment. I choose not to talk directly about it, but their first practice of maintaining balance in the face of an easy challenge went well. And it certainly helped me to trust T. to take care of things.
B Yard Gym: We are finding our groove quickly. Perhaps because we have a good hour and a half for class and certainly because of the dedication of the primary group of students. We have explored material that I usually wait for months to bring to class, and they respond so quickly. We have left the last 20 minutes for sitting meditation and then quiet sitting with a bit of Q and A. The calm is deep and easy.
I almost left out the “shake it loose dancing” and laughing this week, but they reminded me. It seems to be one of the few chances they have to laugh long and hard and for no reason. Laughter is so healing. I also encouraged a couple of regulars, who weren’t going to come cause they had the “crud” going around, to come anyway. To just sit quietly in the Qi-Field imagining themselves doing the moves. They were glad they did.
Sharings: “This is the place where answers naturally arise.” “Other than the sweat lodge this is the only place I have been able to hear my ancestors in prison.” “This is the best thing that has happened to me all week.” “I come for the music, I can relax and let go.” “This is like prayer. There are no words. But I feel God.” Mostly its the glazed, peaceful light in their eyes that shines out their having achieved the QiGong state and their gratitude.
C Yard: We finished up our study of Kwan Yin Standing with a delicious silent practice after watching Master Li on the video one more time. Then this week we began Roger Jahnke’s Seven Precious Gestures. Different moves, same QiGong state.
One week “nameless” comes and just stands, another time he is full of warmth and smiles. I am so glad he comes, he teaches me to be present and just let the chi be what heals, not to take any responsibility other than to show up, to just be grateful that each of them show up and offer the rest up to the chi.
I am just beginning to get a bit more of the picture of the rest of their lives inside this maximum security unit. One student told me they only get three hours out in the fresh air a week, the rest of the time they are in their cells unless they are fortunate enough to have a job. If their time outside coincides with class inside this stuffy chapel they have to choose. They get only one allotted time period a month to get their supplies from the canteen, if it coincides with class, they have to choose. Medical and counseling appointments often seem to take students away for parts of the class. They are missed when they can’t come, our class must stay under 6 because of our limited space.
Old Folsom: Whites and Blacks still locked down. The Hispanics have all the jobs to do now they don’t have much time for programs. Patience. Warden wants to make sure our program is not a martial arts class. Can I hold this as an opening?
There is the possibility of using larger chapel space on C Yard on Thursday afternoons and expanding that program. I am reluctant to abandon the Old Folsom program and the men still there. Someday they will be off lockdown. Hard to know how long this tension is going to last.
Pray for peace amongst the whites and blacks.
Staying Healthy: I give a bow of deep gratitute to my dancing companions on Thursday nights who share the space with me and pray for me while I process the impact of each week's prison experience. I attend a regular Five Rhythms Dance class each week, sometimes called Sweat Your Prayers. Its a great workout for the body, emotions, mind and soul. It keeps my chi free, my tears and laughing flowing, and my body nimble and sweaty. Thank you thank you, thank you.
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Monday, October 17, 2005
It comes when you need it!
October 11 & 12 , 2005
No rest for the weary … The chi’s flowin!
I haven’t been sleeping well. Excitement about this prison work keeps waking me up, with inspirations, stories and prayers swirling around. It’s not worry energy, but its not sleepy energy either. On Wednesday morning my physical body was still tired from an energetic, chi moving weekend with Master Li (Sheng Zhen QiGong) and I was wondering if I was getting a cold. Three programs on the schedule today, two Movement classes on B Yard and our beginning night of the Circle of Life on C Yard.
While driving the 30 miles to the prison, I planned classes focused on demonstrating how to practice when you weren’t feeling well. I grabbed Roger Jahnke’s video at the last minute incase I needed him to teach and I invoked the support of the Qi-Field (“Holy Spirit” is close, if you don’t know that term).
Captain Lea was right near the yard door as I walked in at noon. She was excited that my programs had already expanded into the Main Line Level IV men, and offered to do whatever she could to help. My next stop was the Watch Office to pick up the Movement List. Oops. No program, no men listed. Before taking Captain Lea up on her offer I wanted to get the full story from the clerk or Chaplain Bill. Monday being a holiday plus some lockdown issues over the weekend, the clerk had been unable to get out of his cell to turn in the list. I grabbed the full list (about 25 names) and requested my first favor from Captain Lea. No problem, even broken copiers didn’t stand in the way. Still it was 1:15 by the time the men assembled in the chapel.
We had set up chairs in a circle, but seeing 25 men and with only 30 minutes to give them their first taste, we moved stacked them back up. They were chatting, wondering what was going on, and my voice calling them together wasn’t being heard. So I tried something even quieter, I started moving, softly, with intention. Gathering Breath. And it wasn’t longer than 3 or 4 moves and they were quieting and gathering in a huge circle. We stayed that way, all synchronized, flowing easily, for maybe 5 minutes, before began slowly explaining Qigong as we continued to move. We did a lot of gathering breaths. A couple of men got a little squirmy, but eventually, even they settled down.
I kept it simple, explaining about chi and alignment and such things as the spirit moved me, letting there be plenty of silence and time to just observe their shifting personal energies after each movement. I focused on movements to free and feel the chi flow in the spine and center, and taught a simple weight shifting movement (Bass Drum). We reviewed the 4 or 5 movements we had done, and experimented with a short standing meditation. We were out of time and I was standing at the door shaking each hand, hearing their gratitude before I knew it.
We have requested passes for nearly 40 men next week, but expect that many will be removed because of work or education conflicts. Captain Lea has promised to do some research as to why guys get taken off the list. We are off to a fast start, so please pray that “way opens” for those who really desire or need to be in class, and those who might be distractions find better things to do.
ThanksBe for the energy that came when I needed it.
Now for my Class with the Level I and II men in the Gym …
After the bull horn announcement was made I was surrounded by men handing me their cards. For a moment I was off center, struggling to make sure they understood this was not Karate, fearful of repeats of last spring’s unsettled classes. Then something special passed over me -- a man’s smile of welcome. And I took a deeper, longer breath and smiled into each man’s eyes as I took their cards and details, clarifying now and again in a more gentle way about the movements.
Creating this out-count list is a challenge. It has to be just so, perfect order of the men and their id numbers by bunk order and no mistakes. Each week it takes me a couple of tries. The guards did it for me when I first started last spring, then eased me into it as I got more comfortable with the Gym scene. I suppose in a couple of months I won’t think twice about it.
Facing cheerfully into all these details and snafus, builds stamina, courage and character. Volunteering in prison is a whole lot different than planting trees at the local school. The staff, outside of Chaplain Bill and Captain Lea, stay distant and put up with my fumbling because they have to. There is a palpable level of tension that fills the air. As I found in Old Folsom it seems to take years to build trust and any level of acceptance. So inside of all this, and so much constriction in the students lives, I teach movements of freedom, openness and flow. Playing with opposites, accepting what is and finding the flow even here.
Sixteen had signed up! Previous classes had never gotten more than 8 attending. At 3, after a short rest and lunch, I used the bull horn myself and tried gathering my students.
We found 13. I choose to start class with those that were there and let the guards deal with the guys who weren’t paying attention. Two very young men just couldn’t cope with the slow movements so I asked them to remove themselves to the entry space, and then whole class settled in. After 20 minutes of moving together, I decided to let Roger teach and played the video. They loved pretending to be with him on the hills of Santa Barbara. He will be coming to Sacramento in January and I hope to bring him inside once again.
While some were just experimenting, a group of about 8 were very serious and committed to coming each week for 8 weeks so we spent some time on the initial surveys that gather information on stress reduction, coping skills and pain levels.
I have to keep the men inside the Chapel until count is cleared which sometimes is 4:15 and sometimes is 4:45. I needed to get over to C Yard for our evening program, so we were all at the door waiting for the sign enjoying a chance to just talk together.
With these first classes, I feel it’s important keep the class focused and run the show. I am hopeful that as time passes and the groups stabilize we are able to leave open time for community building and internal practice support networks between the men.
Circle of Life – C Yard
Weary, I met Joanne in the parking lot, ate a sandwich and we found ourselves on a very quiet C yard. There is a Gym group here too, that has the yard in the evenings, but they were mostly at dinner. When I tried to call for the men, the phone just rang. But the men showed up anyway. I suppose checking into the Watch Office for the list, triggered that.
I am still exploring the right way to journal about this new Circle group. These men are active participants in a men’s circle that has trust built around confidentiality. Next week we plan to open the group with a discussion and I will put my blog on the table too.
The evening went much as Joanne and I had planned, the men were serious and eager to see what they had gotten into. We started with some silence, and a check in that included