Friday, July 01, 2005
Closing Circle
Wednesdays evening program was our last one, and our evening was spent discussing the benefits of the program and the nature of programming with the transient nature of the men on B yard.
Some of the men’s feedback:
This program gives us the “handles” we need for making changes in our lives.
Its a good tool to develop healthy communication skills.
The goal orientation gives us purpose and mile markers and self esteem. Most of us have not had goal setting experiences.
Coming here keeps us away from the “BS” in the dorm.
You are enjoyable company.
Its a new avenue to look at things, and changes in our lives.
In the dorm all the talk is debates, with rights and wrongs, here, there is acceptance of all our different ideas.
Just coming here every class represents a change in attitude for me, I have been so depressed I would just say “F__k it” to anything that had to do with change or hope for myself. I haven’t participated that much, but just getting myself to come was all I could do.
I liked it when we were all resources for E. about becoming a better father.
This is a rare treat.
What you need to know is that an act of kindness inside here, gets magnified many fold.
We want to be resources for each other and accountability partners, next time perhaps we need more structure.
Joann and I left feeling like more had been accomplished that we realized. We each have many other projects for the summer and plan to reassess and continue if there is interest, establishing another group in the fall. We need to keep the balance between adding more structure and following the movement of the group spirit.
Thank you for watching over us for the past weeks with your prayers.
13:35 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
How do you break the cycle?
Circle of Life
“not doing time, but redeeming time”
We had our full group today, and spent most of our session discussing parenting skills, discipline and fatherhood. It began as a part of the check-in (which we never finished). The men seemed to get a lot of value sharing their stories. As they shared discipline stories, humiliation was being presented as the “best way”. Joann had a strong reaction which she shared in a positive way, talking about cycles of violence and her commitment to non-violent parenting. As bits of their childhood stories came forward, we could see just how different our upbringings had been.
Gradually the conversation moved around and one man spoke eloquently about children learning by the examples they see in their parents. And by the end of the evening another brought us to pro-active attention and love as the first step in discipline. They were grateful not to be preached at, but to find their own way through the discussion.
We will not have programs next week both Joann and I are out of town. We hope to get back to the challenges of personal change, and push a little harder for the men to experiment with bite size projects.
Walking out J. spoke about “not doing time, but redeeming time”. He was so eloquent I encouraged a poem.
My next entry I hope to include the poem he shared with us last week.
23:35 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
May God hear their prayers
Circle of Life -- June 8, 2005 B Yard
Several of the men had troubles on one kind or another in their families outside and were quite twisted up about it. Inside, and unable to provide the kind of support their hearts yearn to provide, is one of the biggest punishments they suffer. Their inabilities to be the father or husband or son they want to be eats away at them daily. Deaths, evictions, illnesses seem to paralyze them. Two of our “strongest” students were in a “crisis” this way. One couldn’t come to Circle.
We began with hand and ear massage while people arrived and had a sincere check in focusing on their letter writing that night of our last meeting. One man wrote had put on some nice music and written out about his love for them, and shared with his family that it was not about their packages that he wrote, he may want things, but he didn’t need packages, he needed to share his love with them.
Another received a letter on the 7th, that was mailed before his birthday on the 20th of May. When his brother, who works at the post office heard about it, he vowed to do some research.
Another wrote letters from a deeper place inside himself, writing of his friendship and with no pressure for a response. He was very excited that a sister had written him “out of the blue”. He spoke about cultivating his abilities to love and listen, and providing that kind of example for his children.
Another had sent off a letter of forgiveness on March 31. Last week it was returned, unopened, refused. He reflected on the spiritual process of forgiveness and “doing his part” even when the process could not be worked out in his ideal way.
Another spoke from a military prospective and provided imagery that returned over and over all evening. He spoke of the “theory of objective” -- let all else but the goal drop away. He mused that we get off target when we allow the “contracts” we have with each other to take us away from our personal objectives.
After a short break, we re-gathered so that each man might try out the worksheet again using their own goals, challenges or desires.
As it is with most groups, it is such a challenge to start with strengths. Everyone wants to start with challenges. Most of the men choose very large goals. I encouraged a smaller focus, they didn’t allow my ideas to influence them very much. It is easier to dream big, than small in this place. I let go of my resistance and figured we could let the process work and regroup next week if necessary.
To close the evening we gathered in a circle, and stated our goals and one action step as a prayer. May God hear their prayers to .... hold a “meeting of the races” in the gym, and break down racial barriers in B Yard ... Become a very present, and compassionate father ... To help others ... To develop a program to reduce recidivism ... To get a real estate license ...
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Saturday, June 04, 2005
June 1 Circle of Life
Why don't they write?
As I had walked in, after a sandwich in the parking lot, I felt very tired and uninspired. Joann was with her students in Chiapas Mexico, I missed her companionship and enthusiasm. I needed to generate some internal momentum. The group needed to regain some momentum after last week’s lockdown, and learn to work with the change framework which this programs finds so successful.
Prayer was the solution that came to mind first. Asking for help never seems to fail. I still did not have a specific approach planned, but I trusted ... and as it turned out ... that was just the right thing to do.
Locked out of the chapel, we moved the classroom desks around into a circle and checked in with each other. “Was this process beginning to have any impact on the problems they were facing or things they wanted to change?”
Soon the men were all talking about their frustrations communicating with their loved ones outside. So I grabbed a blank worksheet and suggested we work with just this issue and see how we might use this process on this problem. I had no idea how it would evolve. I could not foresee what kind of actions steps might arise. It felt like a big risk, because the subject was nothing I personally had experienced before. But I was internally reminded to trust the process, and so I did.
I will use the framework from the Circle of Life process to share the rest of the story. My guidance was minimal, just moving them on as we seemed to finish a section and keeping notes as we jumped around. At one point after listing all the challenges, I suggested we have some silence and let the Holy have some input. From that we moved on to Affirmations and Action Steps easily. Towards the end I read off our collected Action Steps, and that spurred a new batch.
Acknowledge and List Your Strengths and Victories
- We have the time and desire to write, we do write our families and others. One man sends out nearly 50 cards at Christmas and for Birthdays throughout the year.
- We can and do make phone calls out.
- We have personal strength gained from lots of practice coping with limited communication and unmet expectations.
- Sometimes there is a person that we get closer to, once we are inside, who writes regularly and helps us get needed information.
- Sometimes a letter from us inside can back a big difference to someone who is struggling on the outside.
Intention/Goal:
- Improved communication with loved ones outside while we are inside.
- To find healthy alternatives to resentment and bitterness.
Challenges:
- It seems the prison uses MCI for long distance and for families who are not on MCI there are frequent connection problems.
- No one is at home when we call. All we get is the answering machine. It’s only luck when we do catch someone home who as time to talk.
- We must work 2-3 hours to earn enough for one stamp (15¢/hour is a typical wage for prison employment).
- Letters take 7-15 days to get out, by the time they arrive the information is stale.
- Families don’t write because they figure we will call and then their letter would have been out of date.
- Some families have blocks on their phones or screen calls.
- Family and friends say they are going to write and don’t. It’s a charade. They just say it, but don’t mean it.
- Our being in prison, prompts feelings of fear, denial, taboos. Our loved ones have trouble coping with the fact that we are incarcerated and that we are housed with notorious criminals.
- Sometimes it takes a lot out of our loved ones to write, talk to, visit, or think about us being locked up.
Affirmation:
- I am trying hard to stay in touch.
- I love my family.
- I am doing my best to stay in touch with my loved ones.
- I am willing to “shoot the craps.”
Action Steps:
- Speak as if it is done. Write my letters as if I know they are going to help me and I give them all the details, making it easy for them to follow through.
- Be specific with our requests.
- Escape into a book or music or daydream when it gets too depressing.
- Leave the family members alone that don’t write back.
- Let go of needing a letter.
- We can remember that sometimes it is “too hard” for them.
- We can forgive them or excuse them for not writing.
- Make yourself interesting.
- Ask them about themselves.
- Accept the challenges, stop whining.
- Pray for family. Pray for our letters and calls to be received as we intend. Pray that they are home when we call.
- Pray for personal strength to cope with feelings of abandonment.
- Turn to scriptures, prayer, and our faith for a bigger picture.
- Never let anyone change your heart.
- Communicate through a third party. Find a go-to or point person you can count on.
- Know that you are making yourself available, doing your best.
- Know that your letters have a chance of pulling someone through a tough time.
- I can give the gift of myself in my letters.
- I can remember: “Its not about what you can get back, but what you can give”
Accountability:
- Tonight I have three letters to write. I can make them more about them and less about me.
I can remember: “Its not about what you can get back, but what you can give”
- We can think about all we have talked about and see how God helps us in our understanding.
- We can talk about it again next week.
We had run out of time and really did not talk about accountability, or make or action steps concrete. We will see what happens next week.
It was not an easy evening because our topic was about what was making them sad and resentful. Several times I considered a break, but there was a current moving that I trusted. And I felt shifting the energy, might detract from where we were headed.
Our final minutes together were focused on: “Its not about what you can get back, but what you can give”. A summary statement came spontaneously from A. that took what had been previously talked about to a whole new level. I hope the men appreciated what had happened as much as I did.
Trusting worked. Thanks.
18:30 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development
Friday, May 20, 2005
Stumbling through change
Circle of Life Program – May 18, 2005
Tonight we were stumbling. Getting off to a slow start wasn’t unusual, but by the time everyone was present in was nearly 6:30...I had hoped to so a sacred listening circle on Victories and the Personal Qualities that lead to that victory... But I quickly realized if we were going to get to the Qualities and not just hear stories, I would need to act as facilitator. So I did. The Qualities that surfaced from their stories were: persistence, faith, tenacity, self esteem, openness, seriousness, willingness, obedience, listening, and ability to guide others.
I wanted something that would ground them further in their qualities of strength before we to on the specific project work sheet...but I was
Nervous after setting off the alarm last week. We went over to the table and we handed out the simple circles on a blank paper and the crayons. I asked them to color the feeling of their strengths …That was just not a concrete enough assignment. I was hoping for a mandala of their personal strengths … A couple of them just took the opportunity to color. Two others I have the sun burst form asking for 10 Victories and 10 Qualities from their lives and they worked on that.
Then after a few took a brief work break, I handed out the Project sheet. We asked them to look over their Circle Assessments from last week and come up with a project, a goal an personal upgrade that they would like to work on. We drew lots of blanks … We offered a few personal examples that that only seemed to distract and delay personal focus … I was at a loss how to get them to select a self improvement project so we could walk through the process together.
As Joann and I helped the men sitting next to us focus with questions and validations, others continued to color and read the manual. I moved around and helped a couple of others … But we really need to start over next week. It was easy to drop into spiritual director mode and work one-on-one, but the learning should be more profound if we can get the group process to work.
In working with individuals, I was present to the pain, dreams, and frustrations of their stories. When I teach movement … I don’t normally hear the painful stories. There we are working with the undercurrents that sustain life and give us the desire to change. Here we are getting specific with goals, intentions and action steps recognizing our strengths and challenges. This is much harder.
In the process we found common bonds, with one man we had planted trees together years ago when he was with the California Conservation Corps. Another man was a career counselor and offered to help the men soon to be released.
Two were very, very tired. These man have been doing all of the work in this part of the prison – laundry, cooking, canteen, cleanup – since the Level 4, the primary occupants of this Yard have been locked down. There was a disturbance last night in the gym with some men, and that kept the rest of them awake. Those cooking have to get up a 3 anyway. They have been working double and triple shifts for weeks.
The two that were so tired are our usual leaders, with the most emotional maturity…
As a houseguest counseled me when I got home: “perhaps you need to reset your goals … what you might expect to have happen on the first night might take all eight weeks.” And my husband: “Know your audience” It was hard coming home feeling not only the general expression of futility from the men, but our own clumsiness with the group process.
We will try again next week. Your prayers are welcome.
14:40 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development
Friday, May 13, 2005
Plan B on Yard B - May 10, 2005
Moving Meditation – Qi-gong
I arrived early to see about “out-count” so that my class would not be interrupted by count (all the inmates get on their bunks and are counted to make sure no escape has happened). I had called ahead to talk to the Associate Warden and the Captain to pave the way for the “OJT” (on the job training) ...so when I arrived I went into the Watch Office and was offered a complicated procedure, which another officer dramatically simplified ... Thank you...
Up at the dorm (converted gym) the officers helped me round up all the guys that wanted to come to class (announcement on a bull horn) and get their names, numbers and bed assignment on the “out-count” list...and then get that turned in...which I did with seconds to spare. We had just eight on the list and those were the only ones allowed to come to class, even though we had an hour before count. Perhaps as the guys become more aware of the routine we will be able to get a bigger class together.
Class flowed. We learned each of the basic weight shifts (in Tai Chi Chih set) and several hand patterns. Reviewing them a few times, we experimented with both classroom style and in a circle. Perhaps it seems a little early to do Carry the Ball in a circle, but in the moment, I decided we needed to start and why not now...most of the men I teach in prison have a good sense of their bodies, but even so going in a circle is a challenge for those opposite the teacher.
I needed to keep my students in the chapel until the other men were released from the gym and so class lasted until 4:30. I checked myself out through two check points and two “sally ports” (multiple door systems so that no one can make a run for it). I met Joann out in the parking lot, we sat on the grass to talk about the evening program while I ate my peanut butter and jelly sandwich... Then we processed ourselves back through all the check points and sally ports.
Circle of Life
Although I had turned in the list to allow the men to go to dinner early, it still took us a while to get going. We are going to aim to start at 5:45 and expect 6 o’clock next week (it’s not easy to demand punctuality in this place). The group choose to end at 8. The men preferred that to 8:30 because of some TV shows and other obligations. We were happy too. It takes a half hour just leave the prison. It’s a 45 minute drive home for me and I need to get up early to return for Thursdays class on C Yard.
Tonight we pulled out the crayons and after a short discussion of the group principles we got going with the Self-Inquiry Assessment Form of the 12 aspects of our lives. The men really liked being free to color in the pie shapes however they were called and we had some works of art...
Please feel free to click on the Circle of Life link (lower right side of the blog page or http://www.circleoflife.net) to find out more about this process.
But to summarize the Strengths and Growing Edges on the group went like this (after they each choose their top three of each):
Nutrition and Diet: 3 growing edges, 0 strengths.
Exercise and Fitness: 2 growing edges, 2 strengths.
Stress Mastery: 1 growing edges, 2 strengths.
Health Care and Self Care: 2 growing edges.
Relationships and Family: 4 growing edges, 2 strengths.
Work and Career: 1 growing edges, 2 strengths.
Financial Health: 2 growing edges, 1 strengths.
Creativity and Play: 1 growing edges, 5 strengths.
Environment and Nature: 1 growing edges, 1 strengths.
Emotions and Self Esteem: 1 growing edges, 0 strengths.
Life Purpose and Service: 2 growing edges, 3 strengths.
Spirituality and Intuition: 1 growing edges, 2 strengths.
A good spread, with resources right within our group for most aspects of life. Next week we will begin to work on our goals, challenges and action steps, all in relationship to our strengths and intentions, and build in a process for accountability.
The drama of the night happened during our break, three of our men need to report into their jobs briefly so while they were out I was teaching Tracing the energy channels, a Qigong move for stimulating the chi flow throughout the body, that has us bending over... Well Joann was unable to get a case for her alarm and it was in her hip pouch and the bending over set off the alarm! The guards came roaring in and quickly saw that we were ok ... but it was embarrassing...and also quite reassuring to know how many and how quickly they come ... I was not happy to have added to the guards stress levels while teaching a anti-stress technique to the men... We apologized profusely and they assured us that it happens to everyone ... I still haven’t set one off and its been almost 7 years...Joann is going to get her own case and not wait for the institution to get some for the volunteers to use, although I have put in that request too.
Thanks for all your prayers...our group is off to a good start.
21:35 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Off to a good start.
Yes! Today on B Yard at New Folsom was a good start. Not without snafus, but I am in prison. The Moving meditation class was attended by about a dozen men and went well till we got interrupted for about 45 minutes while the men got counted. The Captain was to have made some arrangements which were not made, so we have a plan B to put in effect next week.
The lemonade that came from the lemon (having the class interrupted) was that when the men returned...I asked, "so what did you notice sitting on your bunk waiting to be counted?" One man said a "sense of peace," another said he felt "more relaxed". Pretty good for first class, and just a couple of movements before moving back into chaos. While they were out of the Chapel, I also got a chance to share some with Chaplain Stewart, the protestant chaplain, about Mother's Day messages, Mary, mother of Jesus, and giving birth to our higher selves.
After count, I had only about 10 minutes left before I was to meet Joann in the parking lot...I stretched that out some because I wanted to review the moves I had taught earlier and Let them feel the chi flow of the group...Nothing sells a class better than the feeling of group synergy that washes over a group that is moving peacefully together... So we did bass drum in a circle after I set up a common center point to come and go from and helped them stay together...we all dropped into the rhythm and let the chi move us...Got to love the chi field!
The evening Circle of Life group
...that too went well! We were delayed about 45 minutes as the men were still eating...next week I hope to get them to the front of the line. We had some wonderful sharing around personal strengths and times when they choose to change their lives. We used a sacred listening format common to many circle traditions, where there is no cross-talk or discussion of a persons sharing, pure listening and each message surrounded by silence before the next person shared. The men were so grateful for the silences between sharing, one man said he couldn’t remember when he had savored silence like that ... It is my belief that being listened to is probably The most important "thing" one can do for another to support their healing.
Change is movement. Sitting, listening and talking are all pretty mental...so we broke up our talking sessions with some practices from The Healer Within. One man said as he was leaving ... he liked the movement best (we did a shake up the chi dance as well as a movement I call Clench and Release which pumps the chi in a dynamic way). A third had the best time with the laughter practice. We all shared stories of personal growth and change.
We had 6 men join us tonight. Those that came plan on gathering in a few more. I explained that next session will be the last session men can join. After that we won't be able to catch people up and will travel as a one small community of support.
I am so grateful that Joann has joined me... we seemed to flow together and although she does not have Circle of Life training...she has lead may groups and retreats and loves the backup position and does it well. We will be working the same accountability steps with each other that the men will be doing starting next week.
Common to all the stories of personal strength was a convincement that it is the Holy that sustains and changes them inside this place, inside their lives. I explained at the beginning that this was a non-religious, but spiritual program. We would be looking for and expecting the Power of Grace, but that we might each speak of the Holy from different viewpoints. Turns out all the men that came this first night come from Christian backgrounds and are used to being in Bible Study groups together... and we started off and ended with some pretty cool prayers that just seemed to float through my mouth.
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Amen to tonight!
21:55 Posted in Journal - Circle of Life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Personal Development